America The Biased: Modern Day Minstrel Shows

For those that do celebrate this holiday, I’m sure most of you have already have a Halloween costume in mind. For those that are still on the fence about what you should be for Halloween, do yourself a favor and do not follow the trend of idiots that have been doing blackface this year.  This is completely offensive to anyone that has any human dignity and to Black Americans in particular.

Media Take Out, a blog that posts pictures and stories of celebrity gossip, posted a recent picture of two young white men, William Filene and Greg Cimeno, as George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin for Halloween.  The man dressed as Trayvon Martin is in complete blackface makeup. I wonder where they got this idea from? Julianne Hough from Dancing With the Stars? Hough also

Courtesy of Huffington Post

dressed in blackface makeup for a Hollywood costume party when a group of friends dressed as the cast from the new hit NetFlix series, Orange is the New Black.  She was dressed as the character “Crazy Eyes,” played by Uzo Aduba (a real Black woman). She apologized later for her offensiveness.

Is this the new trend? Blackface in the 21st century? I do not expect these “special” individuals to know anything about minstrel shows or the history behind it because they think this is “okay” to do. The level of offensiveness with these costumes is beyond disgusting, as Media Take Out put it, it is inhumane.

Similar to slavery, the history of blackface and minstrel shows runs deep into our history.  Minstrel shows consisted of White and Black actors in blackface makeup mimicking stereotypes of African slaves with music, dance, and shivaree for pure entertainment. This is where all racist Black stereotypical characters, such as Mammy, Jezebel, Jim Crow, Pickaninny, Coon, Buck, and Uncle Tom, had originated. Minstrel theatre was  introduced back in 1828 by Thomas Dartmouth “Daddy” Rice, a White minstrel show performer, dressed in tattered clothes wearing the burnt cork makeup singing “Jump Jim Crow.” Rice toured all over the United States and England profiting off of this character. It soon became the most popular form of entertainment from the 1840s to the 1870s.  This form of entertainment also transcended into Hollywood where movies, shows, and other performances displayed the same racist stereotypical roles of Blacks. Some of these roles are still depicted in the entertainment industry today.

So next time anyone has the bright idea of dressing up in blackface, do yourself a favor and go hang a noose on a tree…..for yourself.

The Government Shutdown: Aftermath of Bigotry

I wanted to see the end results of the shutdown before I wrote about it. Honestly, the aftermath of the shutdown has left an

Picture from theunboudedspirit.com

impression of who can the American people trust? I know that is the impression left with me. Generally, when it comes to the government I am skeptical, but Mr. Capitol Hill can’t even perform the basic function of his job.

Everyone wanted to blame the Republicans, which I agree is most at fault, but it is the Democrats too. Their job is determine a budget for the year and implement it not bicker. No one was willing to negotiate anything. I just felt like the shutdown was meaningless and it was all tactic to try and repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare, to issues about raising the debt ceiling. I think the only reason why the shutdown ended was due to us about to default on our bills which would have been even more chaotic. This outlandish scheme of political games acted by Congress at the expense of the American people is outlandish. If this shutdown lasted more than it did, we would have went into another recession. What little of this economy that has been rebuilt down to crumbles once again. We as Americans cannot afford to go through that again.

According to TIME magazine, the government shutdown actually costs the American people $24 billion. There were about 800,000 federal employees without work for 16 days. Regardless the shutdown still took its toll on the economy costing us $24 billion according to TIME Magazine. All of this because some old guys on Capitol Hill want to treat politics like its sport while they were the ones who still got paid.

We need to start lobbying for ourselves rather than trusting these politicians with taxpayers money. We elected them and as representatives of our districts we have every right to complain and make sure that our voices are being heard. We can say go Independent but until those candidates can get endorsed for millions of dollars who is really “listening” to them anyway. This is America where green is a color that no one can debate. The more green you have the better off you are. But the question still lies: Who can you trust in this land of greed?

Extra! Extra! Update

Hello World!

It’s so nice to finally find time to write again! I started my first semester of grad school so I have been a busy bee. This post is long overdue.

The premise of America The Biased started as an idea to be a two-part piece speaking about the Trayvon Martin case (Part I) and its aftermath with the public.

Since it has been so long since I have been writing I have decided to change its direction.  America the Biased will be a forum of posts where its focus will be on racism issues in America. I feel that there are so many issues related to race in America that it goes beyond the Trayvon Martin case. This tragedy harboring over us is still relevant to our daily being as American people of color.  There are so many other cases similar to Trayvon Martin’s story that does not get the same media attention, and I want to address those issues too. Racism is a form of apathy. Why not address it?

So when you see America The Biased you know you are reading my review, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions of current events related to racism in America.

I do have some new posts for you that I am working on. Most likely they will be posted by the end of this weekend (Sunday is my goal).

Also, Extra! Extra! will be posts about updates for the blog when I’m in the middle of posts. I do not like leaving my readers in the dark.  I feel so bad that I haven’t been writing. Not to worry because you will be cured of your apathy sooner than you think!

-Virago Kemet

America The Biased: The Legacy of Trayvon Martin Part I

National news of the acquittal of George Zimmerman has the general public outraged.  Zimmerman racially profiled and killed young Trayvon Martin last year while on his way home from the store with Skittles and an Arizona Iced Tea.

When I heard the verdict of not guilty Saturday night I was in tears.  I was so emotional about this verdict, mad, angry, and disappointed that the judicial

system has failed people of color once again. As an aspiring attorney wanting to pursue a law degree related to human rights and civil rights law, to hear the verdict was very disheartening. So, I decided to do an analysis of my own to fully understand what really happened in that courtroom.

The prosecution did not do their job. The real question that leads to this conclusion is not what they did do but what did not do.

They lacked to define who was Trayvon Martin.  He was not just a high school student. He was a Black high school student, a Black son, a young Black child with a Black mother and father, a Black teenager coming home from the store, in the rain with a hoody on. The hoody which caused Zimmerman to racially profile him. Did they ever consider the fact that he was wearing the hoody because of the weather?

They lacked preparation for Rachel Jeantel’s testimony, who was the prime witness in the trial on Trayvon’s behalf.  First, I would like to say how Florida’s education has failed this young Black female. She is 19 years old and in the 12^th grade. Why is she still in high school? Jeantel did not annunciate her words properly, she did not speak clearly, and obviously had a speech impediment. Prosecution, you had since April to prepare for this case. If you seriously and sincerely wanted to have Rachel Jeantel on the stand as a prime witness to  you should have enrolled in speech pathology classes, coached her on not what to say but how to express what happened while she was on the phone with Trayvon Martin while he was being pursued by Zimmerman. Also, what did not help was the comment that an attorney stated, “You’re from a Haitian background. I’m pretty sure you can be louder.” Was that comment even necessary? Thank you for displaying your biased attitude in a courtroom.  Since the court was having difficulty understanding Jeantel the jury did not take her testimony seriously. She was an uneducated, Black, female. Women are barely taken seriously let alone people of color. So the time spent prepping this witness is apparent.

They lacked to explain the laws thoroughly and clearly enough for the jurors to have a proper understanding and apply the law accordingly. In reference to the elements of self-defense and the Stand Your Ground Law, the concept of this law was created based on the notion that law enforcement cannot be present and protect you at all times. It gives an individual the right to protect him or herself in the presence of imminent danger. Legally, imminent danger is defined as “now” and defined as defending your life. The Stand Your Ground Law relates to Trayvon Martin’s defense more than it does the Zimmerman. Zimmerman was the initiator. Zimmerman pursued Trayvon Martin.  The dispatcher told Zimmerman not to follow or pursue Trayvon Martin and to wait for the police to arrive.  Zimmerman was disobedient to what was told to him by the dispatcher. Trayvon Martin was pursued and he practiced the Stand Your Ground Law by defending himself against Zimmerman when he apprehended him. Martin attempted to retreat and get away from Zimmerman before they engaged in confrontation. Retreating from a possible conflict is also a part of self-defense.

The media keeps reporting that the Stand Your Ground Law is the issue, but it’s not the real issue. Below is a list of the following states that practice the Stand Your Ground Law:

Alabama

Arizona

Florida

Georgia

Indiana

Kentucky

Louisiana

Mississippi

Montana

Nevada

New Hampshire

Oklahoma

Pennsylvania

Tennessee

Utah

Notice the majority of these states are Southern states where their primary source of livelihood is agriculture and farming. Stand Your Ground Law does not only apply to how you defend yourself in the presence of imminent danger, but allows you to also defend your property. Many of these states have farmers that own acres of land. It allows these owners of land to protect their property if it has been threatened.

The statement Attorney General Eric Holder made about Stand Your Ground Law was interpreted as if it is not going to do its job as a law, meaning to protect American citizens, then it should be banned.

Lastly, they overcharged Zimmerman with second-degree murder instead of voluntary manslaughter, which is third-degree murder. The state should have charged Zimmerman with voluntary manslaughter. Voluntary manslaughter is a crime related to “heat of passion.” For instance, I come home to my cheating husband; I react out of emotion by grabbing a golf club and killing my husband and his mistress. Although, I reacted at that moment, killing my husband when coming home from work was not my initial intention.

Both first-degree and second-degree murder demonstrates intent, but first-degree murder is premeditated while second-degree murder is not. A primary example of second-degree murder is felony murder where a person is killed while a felony is being committed. That is the standard in most states and it is the same in Florida. So why overcharge Zimmerman with second-degree murder?

That is also another problem with law. Definition of law can vary per state just like any other law. Every state has its own laws, and not all states have the same definition of second-degree murder.

Overall, I do honestly believe that Zimmerman did not intend to kill Trayvon Martin, his primary intention was to catch the “bad guy” and be the town hero. Zimmerman was a vigilante obsessed with being a cop. He wanted to be the neighborhood watchmen that kept the town safer at night.

Race played a factor in this case and that was completely omitted from the trial. I am happy to know that the NAACP is filing a petition for Zimmerman to be federally charged with violating Trayvon Martin’s civil rights. Zimmerman did violate them by profiling Trayvon Martin.  The decisions made in this case was racially influenced so for the prosecution and the state of Florida to be in denial about how our judicial system is driven is absurd and foolish.

America the biased.

America you are in denial.

Women….Whatever You Do, Don’t Lean Back

Hello followers!

I am back once again. I have been leaving you in the midst of apathy but I’m here to redirect you once again.

Honestly, I have been wanting to post for a while but didn’t really know what to write about, until the book Lean In: Women, Work, and The Will to Lead by Sheryl Sandberg fell into my lap (from a trip to Barnes & Nobles…sorry Amazon).

Controversy obviously always grabs the public eye’s attention, but when I initially heard about this book I was intrigued by the outrage and backlash Sandberg was receiving–from women. That’s right–backlash from her own kind.

Some women took the offense to comments Sandberg was making such as “This book isn’t for everyone,” “Women attribute success to working hard, luck, and help from other people.” Other women that oppose Sandberg’s definition of  the “modern” woman argue that the topics and issues she brings up in the book are invalid because she comes from privilege. For Sandberg, being a Harvard graduate did allow her to be open to different opportunities that would not have been exposed to the average American woman.  Although Sandberg’s success speaks for itself, this backlash from women comes from taking what she has to say very personal. The whole “Who the hell does she think she is?” mantra.

Then, there were other women that were rallying Sandberg’s battle cry and agreeing with practically everything she said.

I am one of those women.

First, I recommend this book not only to women but to everyone who wants to be successful in today’s world. Sandberg brings attention to a lot of issues that are purposely avoided when it comes to women in the workplace, what is takes to have a career, and have a family.

This idea of “Lean In” started with a simple question : Why aren’t there more women leaders?

There are more women than men in the United States, there are more women than men that have their post-secondary education, so why aren’t there more women leaders? Why have we not progressed more into equality ? Why have we reverted back to age old gender roles?

Sandberg addresses all these issues along with the tools that can be used to start the change of what women are and can be in society.

Sandberg discusses how negative women with natural leadership skills are discouraged from self-expression. Women are taught to be

nurturing, kind, polite, and submissive. Any self-expression that does not exemplify the latter a woman is automatically a social outcast, labeled weird, or if she demonstrates any notion of aggression or assertiveness (being bossy) she is called a “BITCH.” If a woman is a natural leader, that should be encouraged by her peers, family, and society. We should not shun a woman for knowing how to be honest, outspoken, and straightforward with how they express themselves. When we shun these women and deem them as social outcasts, you just unintentionally invented a woman that became a bitch. This happens to women and it upsets them because characteristics that attribute to their personality–to who they are– are associated with androgyny.

Why does this only happen with women? Women are socialized into thinking that being a great woman (or a successful woman) is associated with being a wife and a mother.  Women are not always taught to “keep the eye on the prize” when it comes to their dreams because being a wife and a mother is more acceptable by society than actually being a CEO of a company, a politician, or even President of the United States (Go Hilary 2016!). We fall into the constrictions of what is expected of us by society, our families, and our friends instead of following our dreams and listening to what we want for ourselves.  What’s worse about this inkling of wanting anything different, is that women that chose the family path instead of the career path will love to bring up the topic of “my life is so much better than yours because I’m a mother with beautiful children while your just a CEO of some company” in the career woman’s face. Vice versa. This has to stop between women. You’re not helping the cause. Your quality of life is based on making your own decisions no matter how good or bad. So don’t judge the women that chose the career by trying to make them feel guilty or by making the mom feel guilty because she wanted a family.

Sandberg also discusses the big ultimatum that is a life changer for women and sometime men: your career or your family. From the Baby Boomers to Generation Jones, women are constantly given this ultimatum. Beginning with the Baby Boomers, women were sent to college to find a husband with an education–perfect candidates to become providers of family. They weren’t sent to college to learn, protest wars, think for themselves, or start a revolution. Obviously, this idea backfired. The women from Generation Jones were given more opportunity with education by becoming a part of the work force, but were only limited in their career choice. These careers included the basic teacher, secretary, caregiver, or nurse. What is different about these women is that they made their choice with many regret. Many of these women regret not going back to school, putting their dreams and plans on the side for the family and have sacrificed their quality of life to raise children and support their husband. These women leaned back.

Now, the Microwave Generation, my generation, have the ability to change the ultimatum that women before us faced with fear. Most of us that do plan on having a career are waiting until our 30s to have children while we finish our education (at least that’s what I’m doing). I want a career and a family. Children are expensive and I don’t want to set myself or my future children up for failure by not being able to provide for them. Usually, the breadwinning falls on the man alone, but we’re past that, and financially it makes sense to have two incomes supporting one household. Women are going to get their education and we’re actually going to do something with all those degrees besides be in debt.

What’s even better about this book is the advice Sandberg gives women that take the career and family route. Sandberg gives women the tools that modern women need to be successful in the home and in the workplace. Sandberg encourages women to positively mention issues that effect them in the workplace, encourages women to participate during meetings and conferences at work, and lastly, she encourages women to “Make Your Partner a Real Partner.”

This topic of discussion refers to men being more of a team player with gender roles within a marriage or relationship. Women that want a career can’t do it all and have it all. She can’t come home after a 12 hour day at the office, clean up the house, cook dinner, and put the children to bed by 8:30 at night. We’re not super heroes (even though we are women) we can’t do it all and it’s okay to get some help–from the men.

Men have to Lean In too! Lean In at home. Men, I’m not asking you to help us save the world, but do some laundry, clean the dishes, cook a meal for yourself and the kids! It will make everyone’s life less hectic and less stressful and much easier. Honestly, if you help out more at home you will have a closer relationship with your children and possibly a better sex life (Sandberg says it!). Also, as Sandberg says, you’re teaching your children, specifically boys, that it’s okay to help out at home. No need to be Mr. Mom or anything, but it’s essential to create a balance at home where you and your wife work together as a team.

If we keep gender roles designated, as we have in the past, we are only going to stagnate women and their true capabilities.  If you love your wife you would want to see her flourish and not suffer with self-guilt and regret. Last but not least–men don’t get jealous of our success. That’s probably one of the worst things you can do to women is be jealous of her instead of supporting her while she is successful. That will lead to a divorce (read up on this entry). If women can support men while they are getting in their career, what’s wrong with men? You’re too manly to be supportive? Don’t think so.

All in all, this book relates to the modern woman. The woman that wants to have a successful career, a family, and a loving, supportive husband. Men have been doing it for years, why can’t we? This is where the gender bias is relatable.  Women and men should be working together to help the world be better for the next generations. Sandberg used the Jewish phrase “Tikkun Olam” which means repairing the world to avoid social disharmony. We all know gender equality isn’t happening overnight but having more women leaders is at least one step closer to it. Lean in!

Media…WTF?!

*Provided by Cagle Cartoon from allvoices.com

Looked at the news lately? Remind you of something that you would have never to have believed that happened. Something like a script from your favorite thriller or suspense movie? Is it a movie you’re watching? NO! It’s the media frenzy surrounded by this weeks recent events. It’s been a whirlwind of craziness, catastrophe, and chaos.

Tragic? Yes… Traumatic?… Yes… Terrible… Yes…. And of course so much more.

The news this weeks has just been a circus of unreliable sources and misguided information.

It all started on Monday April 15th around 3:45 PM when the breaking news of 2 explosions at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. An act of terror? Yes… Of course.

It was mayhem.

I have seen pictures of dismembered bodies, amputees, blood ravishing the streets of Boston all in the name of what? Ignorance? Someone didn’t fit in too well with Americans? Maybe…well we’re still waiting for answers.

The media treated the news for this tragedy like a competition of “Who’s going to get the first story first?” CNN, Fox News, ABC, CBS…who? Wait I got a story that says they captured the suspect who’s a Saudi national….who said that? No wait, it’s a 17 year old from Morocco that planned it. Hold on…a minor planted the bombs? No…it was a missing student…

I have never been so confused in my life with just trying to follow one news story. The media could not and did not get off of Boston Police until they got leads for the suspects, when all they were trying to do was their job. Every channel had something different to say about potential suspects. There was only about a 6 to 12  hour period after the bombings before reporters, anchors, and news correspondents were hounding the FBI, Homeland Security officers, and the Boston Police Department about suspects. How can law enforcement…what’s the word? INVESTIGATE or do their job when they are constantly having microphones and cameras in their faces about a pending investigation with no leads. You would think that the idea of obstruction of justice would cross their minds but obviously not. “We’re the media and we can do what we want because of our 1st amendment of free speech!” It infuriated me how the media was covering this story. The public wants to know but if you are going to inform the public of valuable information at least have it be accurate and relatable to the actual story that you’re covering.

Posting any random picture of “possible” suspects from video footage from the finish line. Posting up false leads with almost potentially destroying someone’s good name.

The truth is what the people need…oh but wait….I am talking about the media right?

What’s even worse is that the Boston Bombers are Muslim. (Like the Muslim community really needs more social anxiety, panic attacks, and public scapegoating) I don’t care what faith you practice, if it promotes violence, warfare, suicide for its believers then it’s not a true faith. True faith brings peace, happiness, and joy not violence and suffering.

“Hate begets hate; violence begets violence; toughness begets a greater toughness. We must meet the forces of hate with the power of love.”

-Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

The bottom line is that the true Boston Bombers have been caught. One dead and the other in custody. No more lockdown, no more manhunt, no more wild west guns “a-blazin” in the city of Boston. Now the matter is up to the courts and this time I have a feeling that justice will be served.

Virago Kemet

P.S. I wasn’t going to stay quiet for too long…

Technology, Love, & Human Interaction

“I fear the day that technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.”

-Albert Einstein

Technology in the 21st century has been taken to a level of unprecedented heights.  It’s wonderful and we all love it. Some advantages to technology is the fast access to information. The internet is the world’s library. What we can find in an hour took our parents and grandparents 3 weeks or more to research. Then, there is convenience. I can write a book, shop for a new wardrobe, and pay my bills while sitting at home in my pajamas after rolling out of bed. The greatest benefit of technology is communication. The inventions of Instant Messenger, online chat rooms, and later video chat, caused a worldwide communication boom. It created a sense of global community especially for those with family and friends overseas.

We depend on it so much. We’re all guilty of it. I can’t live without my WiFi and God forbid if my power goes out for a month because of a hurricane. I would honestly go crazy. Technology also has it’s flaws. When it’s working it’s perfect, but when it’s not it’s a pain in the ass (Just think I, Robot).  We’re so dependent on technology we need a GPS to tell us where to go, how to drive, and where to walk to get to a destination. We don’t call for directions or even know how to read maps. I know I rely on it. My sense of direction sucks! (Usually I’m too stubborn to ask for directions since I have my GPS, and I don’t know how to read maps.)  We rely on it so much that if technology didn’t exist we wouldn’t even be able to perform at our jobs. I’ve had plenty of jobs and any time the system went down at my job at the time it was mayhem. We were so lost and no one would know how to react. (Can you say chaotic?) Although, we are far away from The Jetsons with our flying cars and living on the moon; technology has come a long way in development.

Okay. So we’re reliable on technology, but what the hell was Albert Einstein talking about? How could we be a “generation of idiots” with so much information at our fingertips? Technology devalues being human.  It devalues human interaction.  We can have as many social networks as we want on the internet, but nothing can replace the human experience of interaction: touching, eye contact, and body language. Einstein’s “generation of idiots” is referring to how technology is causing us to become distant from our basic instincts as people. Only idiots will allow something as big as technology forget what it means to be human.

Since the creation of chat rooms and Instant Messaging, the internet became a whole new world for a new type of social interaction. Social interaction that didn’t involve any physical first impression; the only contact is through a computer screen. If you really think this is “REAL” social interaction you obviously don’t understand what it really means to be HUMAN. Living your social life on the internet is just one component of how we as people communicate with each other. As humans it’s natural for us to have the urge to explore, invent, and create. We cannot allow technology to deprive us of our human nature. Humans are not perfect therefore anything we create will have flaws just like us. Our creations are replicated forms of expression that include who we are and what we’re capable of: rights given to us by nature. Our urgency to create and explore the world is an innate curiosity.

Internet interactions cause a distortion of reality; a fantasy land where we can escape what is real and true. The fantasy we create is opposite of the reality that we no longer want to accept. So, we create these “friends” that we never met or knew, we have “profile pictures” that look nothing like us, and we have a “clique” that accepts us for “who we are.” Where did the saying “Just be yourself” go? We have to understand that not everyone is going to accept us as who we truly are and that’s okay. The only way you’re going to find people that accept you for you is by getting off the computer and exploring who you truly as a person. on the internet is just one component of how we as people communicate with each other. As humans it’s natural for us to have the urge to explore, invent, and create. We cannot allow technology to deprive us of our human nature. Humans are not perfect therefore anything we create will have flaws just like us. Our creations are replicated forms of expression that include who we are and what we’re capable of: rights given to us by nature. Our urgency to create and explore the world is an innate curiosity.

For instance, let’s look at the new hit show Catfish: The TV Show on MTV.  I commend Nev Schulman, the creator of Catfish The TV Show, for giving the public a real show about what can be the consequences of an “innocent” lie on the internet. It exposed the public to the real world of the internet and how people hide behind the monitor to create a superficial life completely opposite of their own reality. Being able to “catfish” takes some talent. My impression from the show is this: How can you say “I love you” to someone you have never physically seen with your own eyes? I’m confused. Do people fall in love with the person on the phone, on the screen, or the “personality”?

In my opinion, I think that only social networks are prone to “catfishing”.  At least if you register to a dating website such as eHarmony.com or Match.com, I would assume that the goal would to be in a relationship, being engaged, or getting married.  Whereas falling in love on a social network kind of just happens.

The show also displays that anyone can lie to you. Anyone can show you a picture and say “That’s me.” But how much are you willing to believe that? How much are you willing to see if it’s the truth? When you disregard the facts and possibilities and stay in denial, you become an idiot due to your ignorance. Stop being insecure and seek the truth.

Another example of internet lies is the Manti Te’O hoax. How can you declare exclusivity with a “woman” you never met before? All of a sudden she “mysteriously” dies from leukemia. Then, you discover that the “woman” you were having late night phone calls with is a MAN? Honestly, this is another episode of catfish with national media coverage. Doesn’t CNN, Dr. Phil, and Katie Couric have better issues to discuss?  Te’O got duped just like everyone else that’s been catfished on a social network. This story just goes to show the power of the internet and social networks. It’s up to us to not be so naïve about who we’re chatting with online and if we’re that curious to see our “online lovers” we should have the courage and the common sense to meet them in person.

Now, I don’t want to discourage any one from having an online relationship. Not all episodes of Catfish were lies and were real stories of true love. Google what they do if you have too. (I do it ALL THE TIME!) Just keep in mind that you need to be aware of what you’re doing when you decide to date online. Never meet them the first time at your house alone. Always meet in a public place with a friend that you trust lurking around. My advice is to be real about the situation, be real about the “who” behind the screen, and be real with yourself.

 

Marriage: The Most Misunderstood Institutional Contract in America

Marriage is one of the oldest institutions in our society.  History of this civil union can be traced back to ancient times during the “cradle of civilization.” It is an institution that is the basis of what makes a family. Marriage determined your inheritance to land and other assets.  Marriage determined who was the heir to ancient kingdoms, and the foundation of monarchies throughout history.  Now, the modern day definition of marriage has been construed into being scandals, barter and trade exchanges between families, false expectations that leads to a life of misery, and (my personal favorite) a guaranteed golden ticket for women being financially set for the rest of their lives. The problem with our modern day perception of marriage is that it sucks. You barely see any positive references to marriage. Most of us have this perception of marriage based on what we see in the media (TV, tabloids, movies, etc) and what we may have seen at home.  During our childhood, our parents’ relationships may or may not have involved both married parents (rare), both parents together but not married, both parents but divorced, single parent with step parent, adoptive parent(s), single parent, and unfortunately some with no parents at all.  It makes us wonder: what is marriage? What does marriage mean? How is it understood? I will address all of these questions but let’s take a look at marriage from the approach of modern day society.

According to the American Oxford Dictionary, marriage by definition is “the formal union of a man and a woman, typically recognized by law, by which they become husband and wife.” This may be the proper definition of marriage but how does society define marriage? Is it the same definition? Some people define marriage as two people that love each other becoming one.  Well, if that’s true then why is same sex marriage not legal? Some may say marriage is defined by your culture.  It is to an extent, but how do certain cultures view marriage? For example, a dowry, which is practice in the Hindu culture, is property or money brought by a bride to her husband on their marriage. That’s where the idea of “gold digger” came from but in reverse. Some may say marriage is “what you make it.” In some respect that can be true too depending on the effectiveness of your marriage counseling.  In my opinion, the best definition of marriage is marrying your best friend (no matter your sexual orientation). Everyone is entitled to their own view of marriage.  Ultimately, marriage is defined by your practice of faith and/or your state of residency.

Many views of marriage have changed over time just as the socialization of women.  Women have it all.  We can get out of a speeding ticket by a dropping a tear, we can persuade men to do what we want just by a simple compliment and a wink, and other methods of manipulation that cannot be revealed as I’m sworn to secrecy.  It’s great being a woman.  It has its ups and it has its downs and marriage can be one of them.  As I get older, I feel the pressure from my family questioning about me getting married.  I just sit back and watch them chat about my love life as if they live it.  It’s quite interesting because apparently they know more than me.  Women are taught to get married, have babies, raise the children, cook, and clean. We are also taught these hopelessly romantic stories of “Prince Charmings,” “Knights in Shining Armor,” that will come save us in our moments of despair as we play the role of “damsels in distress.” Fairy tales were the beginning of this false definition of love and marriage. Disney didn’t help with the expectation of “Happily Ever After” either.  So, women are taught false expectations of marriage equating to instant happiness from childhood.  Really hard to break that cycle.  This pattern of false expectation has led to decades of disappointment.  Women that are lonely, insecure, having self identity issues, “Daddy” issues ultimately result to relationships and marriage as their “cure” to happiness when it’s all a lie. Getting married and having a family will not get rid of these problems of “feeling incomplete” but will only bring them out more. Today, the modern day woman wants the perfect career, the perfect husband, and the perfect family all while maintaining a balanced life.

A prime example of women and false expectations in a sibling rivalry kind of way is The Kardashian Sisters: Kourtney, Khloe, and Kim. Kourtney was the first Kardashian sister to get pregnant and after that the rest was history.  Khole got married to Lamar Odom then Kim felt left out. So, not knowing what she’s getting into, Kim marries Kris Humphries and after 72 days of wedding bliss she filed for divorce. Did you think that stopped her thoughts of her biological clock? Kim being in her early 30’s, dating Kanye West while “separated,” along with her yearning desperation to start a family, gets pregnant by the Chicago rapper. Coincidence? I don’t think so. She wanted a baby for a long time and even on the show Keeping Up with The Kardashians, she would constantly whine about not being married and not having a baby.  I would say smart move on her part for getting what she wants but she’s not that smart.  She’s still legally married to Kris Humphries.(We all know her IQ wasn’t that high anyway) In the state of California “a man is presumed to be the natural father of a child if he is or has been married to the mother.” This means that until the divorce is finalized, Kris Humphries has legal rights to Kimye’s baby even with a paternity test proving that Kanye West is the biological father.

This is why it’s important to know the laws and conditions of marriages. Marriage is a legally binding contract within a state, meaning once you become a union in the eyes of the law you are seen as one entity.  Marriage laws are regulated by your state of residency and are not the same in every state even by definition.

According to California Family Code, the definition of marriage is

“Marriage is a personal relation arising out of a civil

contract between a man and a woman, to which the consent of the

parties capable of making that contract is necessary.”

Most states will have similar language to their own definition of marriage but the significance remains the same.  State marriage laws all mention contract, union, civil contract, or civil union. Legally you are a union and socially you are a conjugal family.  Being a member of this new legal entity, you are automatically granted certain rights that are covered by the marriage laws in your state. For example, the California Family Code, where the husband is presumed the legal father, is a law that was created to protect women from irresponsible fathers.  That way if the wife were to conceive, and the husband is not being responsible after birth, the wife has every right to file a petition for child support without a paternity test. Another example of custody would be the death of a mother or father which would automatically reward the surviving legal parent sole custody.  Common law marriages do not guarantee these rights because every state has their own legal definition of common law marriage. For most states a couple has to live together up to 7 years unmarried before the woman can claim the title of common law wife. What if the same death scenario occurs to a couple 2 years prior to the state’s common law marriage requirement? Depending on the laws of the state, since there is no legal union, that state can take custody of the children until a paternity test is produced proving that the surviving parent is the biological parent.  Why do you think gays and lesbians want the right to marry? The union of marriage guarantees rights like no other legal contract and domestic partnerships are not civil contracts or civil unions.

Divorce is one reason why many people decide to take route of common law marriage.  They don’t want to go through a divorce and divorces are ugly. Most states divide all assets acquired during marriage 50/50.  Can you imagine being married for 25 years and then having to split all your net worth in half with someone you shared almost a lifetime with? That’s a lot to cover and this is why finalizing divorces can take so long. All your finances are questioned! It’s similar to being audited by the IRS. You have to hide money in other banks, have a safe deposit box, open accounts in your kids name (I used to work at a bank so I’ve seen it all) just to protect your former “other half” from taking all your worth. Now, it’s time to mention prenuptial agreements! Prenuptial agreements are contracts where a certain condition that has or has not been met apply to the condition of your marriage. These conditions mentioned within prenuptial agreements protect you from what could possibly lie ahead. Many people that get married don’t acknowledge prenuptial agreements as an option prior to marriage due to the negative perception associated with them. Your partner might mention “prenup” and all you hear is “divorce.”

This is why it’s important to consult a lawyer for your legal protection and responsibilities. Prenuptial agreements not only can protect your net worth from a scornful ex-partner, but can state fair circumstances that could happen during marriage that result in divorce. For example, a married couple decides to divorce due to mutual irreconcilable differences and have a prenuptial agreement stating “if divorce is mutual agreement parties keep all assets.” This statement simply means that this couple evades all the financial bickering involved in a divorce. Divorce still isn’t that simple and depends on the kind of agreement that you establish with your partner and your lawyer drafted.

The definition of marriage has been perverted throughout time where no one believes in it’s authenticity anymore. No one believes in it because no truly understands the significance of marriage.  Don’t be fooled by what the media tells you, your family tells you, or even yourself.  Understand and believe marriage by your own definition and what it legally means to save yourself from the corrupted images witnessed. The truth about marriage being misunderstood is that people are afraid of something they don’t understand.

****Legal Advice: Please click the links provided within in this post for additional information about laws concerning marriage, divorce, and prenuptial agreements.  For laws about marriage you can always go to you state’s official website for specific information.  Alternatively, for the best legal advice about divorce or drafting a prenuptial agreement, please speak to an attorney.

The Newtown Shooting: Tragedy to Our Children

I was at work when I heard about the Newtown school shooting. I checked my CNN app on my phone and I saw all the updates. I never felt so disturbed.  “What kind of person would even dare shoot, gun down, and attack an elementary school?” I immediately began to think about my experiences in elementary school and how much fun I had with my teachers, classmates, and friends. School was my sanctuary. My home away from home. I can’t bare to imagine, being 7 years old in class on an ordinary school day hearing a gun shot or witnessing my teacher being killed.  I didn’t even know what gun shots sounded like then.  The imagery in my mind resonated with me.  My heart goes out to all the families that were affected by this tragedy. The world we live in today just keeps getting worse and worse and causes to feel extremely vulnerable.

Over the past 15 years there have been many public and school shootings.  In 1999, there was the Columbine High School shooting.  One of the most horrific school shootings next to the Virgina Tech Massacre and now Newton. I was in middle school when Columbine happened and I noticed a change in my school too.  All middle schools and high schools had security or a state police officer present on campus.  Nationally, I believe that many schools changed their perspectives on school safety after more details of Columbine were revealed. No one knew the extensive and strategic work that went into this plan until it was fully investigated. Most shootings after Columbine have followed a certain trend. The shooter was a student, an outcast or outsider that was usually bullied. The difference between Columbine compared to other school shootings, or public shootings, was that Columbine had 2 shooters.  The majority of other shootings are done alone and the shooter commits suicide.

Public shootings have followed a different trend. For example, the shooting in Tucson, Arizona which occurred in early 2011. US Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was shot in the head and survived while 12 people died. The shooter, Jared Loughner, a schizophrenic, has been sentenced to life in prison. Another public shooting, in Aurora, Colorado, occurred in July of 2012 during The Dark Knight Rises movie premiere.  This shooting also involves a shooter that may be mentally ill.  James Holmes, who is currently in custody pending trial, showing typical symptoms of mental illness. No additional evidence has been presented or released about what type of mental illness Holmes may suffer from.  One trend that these shooters did not follow is suicide, but there are signs present of a mental disorder.  The Newtown school shooting has it’s uniqueness compared to other school shootings or public shootings as well. First characteristic is the school: Sandy Hook Elementary School.  No other school shooting has taken place at an elementary school.  The Newtown shooting is the first of this kind in America.  Also, the shooter was not a student. Thirdly, there is no premise to why Adam Lanza committed this violent act of crime to these innocent children.  We will never know since he decided to take his own life.  Since the shooting is still being investigated there are still many speculations and theories to the cause of the Newtown shooting. Law enforcement officials do believe that Lanza suffered from a personality disorder.

One topic coming into discussion for many Americans and politicians is gun control.  “Where are they getting the guns?” Surprisingly enough, many of the guns that were used in the shootings mentioned, were obtained legally except the guns used in the Columbine shooting.  What’s interesting about the topic of gun control in this country, is that it fades in and fades out.  No one knows a solution, but when tragedies like Newton, Virgina Tech, or Columbine occur, everyone has an opinion to voice.  What everyone is failing to realize is that gun control isn’t the problem; it’s people. People that have problems and need help are being ignored: young adults with mental illnesses, foreigners that are socially outcasted, and teenagers that are bullied.  Those suffering from personality and social disorders with a gun in their hand is a deadly combination.  The real problem is seeing signs of a psychological disorder and ignoring it instead of bringing it to someone’s attention.

Every shooter in the shootings discussed have showed signs of a mental or social disorder. What was done to help them? Could these shootings really have been prevented? Maybe.  Maybe not.  If someone close to one of these shooters paid particular attention to certain signs we would at least be aware of what may be happening mentally. In some cases their loved ones did try but it wasn’t enough.  If we notice problems with our children early on and reach out to proper resources to help with these disorders our nation will be safer for it. Not all states provide the proper resources for mental care or counseling because they cannot afford the funding. This causes parents to take full responsibility to get counseling for their child, but many parents can’t afford counseling. Some insurance plans don’t cover it and parents have to be open to this option.  “What about the teachers?” Teachers are taught to teach students and are not trained in safety awareness or in psychology.  The only way teachers will be able to detect possible mental issues within a student, will involve the collaboration of the faculty, guidance counselors, and school psychologists.  This effort to save our children will be a community effort. It is the only effective method.

Guns are not going anywhere.  Guns are a part of American culture. As Americans we have right to bear arms to protect our homes, property, and families from intruders or outsiders that attack us.  I believe people should exercise their right to bear arms but only in a certain context.  For example, I live on a farm in a distant rural area.  The closest neighbor is 5 miles away from me and if I call 911 it’sgoing to take 15 minutes for the police to arrive.  Now, if I live in a densely populated area close to hospitals, police stations, and fire houses, why should you carry a gun?   There is nothing wrong with having a gun at your house as a means of protection, but where is it kept in your home? Do your children have easy access to it? Do you have easy access to it for when you need it? The problem with guns is that people don’t want to be held accountable for what may happen if it gets into the wrong hands.  You have a gun be responsible.  You have a car you take car of it don’t you? You make sure you maintain your car with oil changes, tire rotations, brakes, new batteries. You make sure you have insurance too.  Apply the same idea to having a gun.  You buy it and keep it secured, keep the safety on it, and always have your permit. The only practical solution to gun control is possibly creating a way to detect the location of a gun so that no gun in this country will go unmarked and everyone will know where legal guns are located.

Finally, after all of these shootings, you would think people would be more prepared for the inevitable.  How many school shootings is it going to take for schools to have a plan to be prepared.  No one would have suspected Sandy Hook Elementary School to be a target, but something has to be done to protect our schools and children from the Adam Lanzas in the world.  Newtown, Connecticut is a small suburban community in a remote location.  Americans that live in small towns, like Newtown, live there with a false sense of safety and security because they are far away from inner city locations and high crime areas.  This naive attitude cannot be after the Newtown shooting.  Families that live in similar areas like Newtown live there on the premise of raising their children in a safe place, with the subconscious thought of “nothing bad will happen here.” Teenagers have the same mindset about being invincible. Nothing bad will ever happen to them until something bad does happen.    How far do you think Adam Lanza would have gotten in the school if it was located in New York, Washington, DC, or even Philadelphia? Not far at all.  Why? Because those inner city areas are prepared for the inevitable.  These areas are densely populated areas where there is constant interaction with a multitude of personality types. It should be mandated as a state law that every school should have a plan to protect the students while under siege of potential intruders.

What’s worse about the aftermath is that the surviving children no longer have a childhood. Their innocence is gone and no parent can give that back to their child once it’s taken away. Out of everything that has happened to these children, this outcome is the worst of all and it will take years for these children to recover.  This traumatic experience can follow them for the rest of their like into adulthood. I pray that they will be okay and I know that their parents will be extremely supportive.  No words can express the grief that a parent feels when they lose a child. I know that the families that have survived this tragedy are sincerely thankful for their blessings.  A community effort on a local level, state level, and federal level will need to take place for our children’s sake. Schools used to be the safest place for children. Will they ever have a safe place to roam without worry?

I Don’t Know What Fear Looks Like

I was going to write a “Happy Hurricane Part II” but decided against it.  Instead another idea came to mind.  I realized that throughout Hurricane Sandy’s aftermath many affected shared the same feeling: FEAR. Everyone is afraid of something, but how you handle that fear is what builds your character.  Want to know how to get rid of the FEAR and not let it enslave you? Continue to read.

You ever feel like you want to accomplish so much but you can’t? You ever wonder what that feeling is that’s holding you back? That feeling that stops you from making your dreams into a reality? That feeling thats holds you back from your happiness? Holding you back from true joy in your life? You know the name of the feeling, but don’t like to admit it to yourself. It causes you to be in denial. Forcing you to place a mask over your face to keep you in the dark with no light to guide the steps in your path.  This feeling is F.E.A.R.

F.E.AR. can be when you….

FORGET

Everything           

And

RUN

Or…..

FACE

Everything

And

RECOVER

Notice the difference between the two meanings.  FORGET and RUN; FACE and RECOVER.  Sometimes our problems become the best of us when we don’t know how to handle the problem so we run.  The problem with running is that it doesn’t solve anything because it always catches up with you.  This acronym for F.E.A.R was presented to me by Minister Tracey Hairston at my church in Newark; Bethel Worldwide Outreach Ministries Inc. 

Every Wednesday night we have Bible study at 7:30 PM and I try to go every Wednesday night. Making it there depends on how tired I am sometimes, but every time I do attend service I always walk out with special words of encouragement.  I love my church.  The leaders there have helped me during the most difficult times in my life and have been there for me through thick and thin.  They are my family. They have also taught me a lot about fear and another killer:

Doubt.

Doubt is the origin of fear.  Once the thought of “I can’t” comes into mind the seed of fear has been planted. The more you say that you can’t, the more it grows and it festers like a viral fungus. Fear and doubt are the perfect matrimony of pessimism.  Fear is a mentality which keeps you enslaved.  When you learn let go of the doubt inside your head the fear will be gone.

The worst thing about fear is that it stagnates you.  It causes you to be in a psychological prison.  You may have your “freedom” to go where you want, eat what you want, but are you truly happy with that?

Being a mental slave sucks. You’re miserable wanting someone to be miserable with you. The bondage dehumanizes you.  You’re a cagedbird. You see the sun and the trees and you want the wind beneath your wings but you can’t get out of the cage.  You don’t even know what “getting out the cage” means.  You tell yourself “I can’t” each day you look outside into the sun.  One glorious day your master(FEAR) leaves the door to the cage open.  Here’s your chance to escape and be with the sun and clouds. But, instead of you trying to escape you overanalyze your chance to be free.  You’re not sure how the wind will feel, and if the sun will be too bright in your eye.  This is your only chance and you don’t take it.  Then the cage door closes and you’re stuck again; getting mad at yourself for not taking that opportunity to get out.  Then you sit there for the next 20 years in the cage wondering what the wind will feel like and how it would feel for the sun to touch you again.  You tear yourself up for not taking that chance and wait for the cage to open again (if it will ever open again).  Or you wait until you get mad enough or tired enough to open the cage yourself.

Fear goes away when you stop thinking and simply react to what’s causing you misery. When you face your fears it empowers you and gives you the authority over your life.  Nothing owns you anymore.  You are no one’s slave. This feeling of empowerment is the best feeling of the world; empowerment strengthens you as a human being.  It tells you that you are able to conquer despite all that is against you.  Empowerment is encouragement and strength that gets you free from fear.  All you need is the eagerness to be free.